The Nature of Leonard McCoy's B tching
by Ellipsis the Great
Summary: For this prompt: Bones comes home one day to find his boyfriend/lover/husband Pike missing, their place trashed, Pike's wheelchair wrecked and his blood on the floor. What happens next? Full summary inside.


_**The Nature of Leonard McCoy's Bitching**_

_A one-shot by Ellipsis the Great_

_**Summary: **__For this prompt: Bones comes home one day to find his boyfriend/lover/husband Pike missing, their place trashed, Pike's wheelchair wrecked and his blood on the floor. What happens next? Happy ending please but this anon will not mind some angst or hurt/comfort first! Bonus points for Kirk and Spock (who can be a couple if you want) being all badass protective of their mutual mentor._

_**Disclaimer:**__ Star Trek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Gene Roddenberry, and all those other cool cats who own it. All I own is the plot!_

_**Rating:**__ T just in case_

Leonard has never considered himself a particularly violent man. Aggressive, perhaps. Argumentative, definitely. But violent? Not really. After all, he is a doctor—a profession that by definition does not attract violent people. But there are times in a man's life when violence is completely called for, usual temperament notwithstanding.

This is one of those times.

He stands in the doorway for a moment, shoulders tense as he surveys the damage done to his home—bookshelves and tables overturned, papers strewn all over the place, and in the center of the living room sits the topper: Chris's wheelchair, lying on its side, with a small pool of blood still drying a small ways away.

With preternatural calm, he sends a short message to Jim. Then he closes and locks the door.

(BECAREFULWITHTHEPAGEBREAK,SPOCK,IT'SBRANDNEW…)

There are a few things that Jim knows about Leonard without a doubt.

First, he bitches about everything. _Everything_. It's not so much because he's actually bothered by everything, because he isn't. But it's his way of showing that he cares without actually showing that he cares, and it's always meant to be either joking or helpful depending on the time of day and his mood.

Second, the bitchier he gets, the more he's trying not to let on that he's really bothered by something.

Third, no matter how much he bitches, he would never actually consciously hurt someone in any way.

Fourth and final, when he stops bitching, Jim should get ready to piss himself because that is some scary shit.

Actually, the last thing is something he has only just come to realize, because honestly he's never seen a non-bitching Leonard before today. The surly doctor is actually about as straight-faced as Spock at the moment, which is just fucking unnatural, and when either Jim or Spock asks him something his answers are clipped, which has _got_ to be a sign of the apocalypse, or something.

The only _actual_ sign that something is wrong is a tick in Leonard's cheek that keeps jumping at random intervals.

Also, the fact that he's putting a gun together. An old gun that looks like it's been passed down from generation to generation, and that Leonard kept in a case next to the case that held all of his antique medical equipment.

"Umm…Bones?" Jim says carefully.

"Yes, Jim?" Bones asks, looking up. Even though his eyes have left his hands, they continue to put the gun together with eerie ease.

"You have a gun."

"Yes."

"You…can use the gun?"

A smile finally comes to Leonard's face, but it is actually more of a sneer and oh, God, Jim is glad that he has a lot of pull in the Federation, now, thanks to finally giving up the _Enterprise_ a few years back and allowing a promotion to admiralty. "My mother was in special ops with the Marine Corp."

"Okay." Jim says with a gulp.

Viciously, with a snap that makes Jim jump, Leonard loads the gun.

"Broke her heart when I decided to become a doctor." Leonard continues, that unnerving grin still on his face. "She always said it was a waste of talent, but I enjoy putting people together more than I enjoy tearing them apart."

Now, it might just be Jim giving into old age and paranoia, but there's something about the way Leonard says that that makes him want to curl up in a corner and cry.

Silently, he starts praying for the souls of the people who did this.

(BECAREFULWITHTHEPAGEBREAK,SPOCK,IT'SBRANDNEW…)

Spock rather thinks that Leonard has been keeping a lot of very dangerous secrets in their past decades together. The most important of these is the fact that he is quite adept in the use of antique guns, as is evidenced by the deaths of no less than ten guards of the facility in which retired Admiral Pike is being kept.

Of only slightly less importance is the fact that he is also gifted in hand-to-hand combat. Spock would never have guessed this, given the man's obvious distaste of physical violence, which he rails against at any and every opportunity. (Since Jim's record within the first year of his captaincy took up a larger file than that of many captain's entire career, Spock believes it would be logical to conclude that Leonard has had more than his fair share of opportunity.)

"Doctor," he Vulcan nerve pinches one of the goons that has been sent to dispatch them, "perhaps it would be wise to leave some of these men alive."

Leonard executes a move that paralyzes a man's vocal chords. "I don't reckon I've ever been what anyone might call 'wise,' Mr. Spock."

"On the contrary, I have found you to be the source of several pearls of wisdom over the years that have at the very least saved both Jim and myself from folly more than once."

Leonard snorts and ducks a wild swing. "My wisdom is emotionally compromised at the moment, Mr. Spock, but you are welcome to stun one or two of these assholes if you're of a mind."

Spock frowns down at his unconscious attacker, cocks his head to one side, and shoots him. His phaser is not set to stun. "I find I am emotionally compromised as well, Doctor."

With an efficiency that would be admirable if it were not so disturbing, Leonard breaks his attacker's neck. "In that case, you can kiss my ass."

"I would prefer not to."

(BECAREFULWITHTHEPAGEBREAK,SPOCK,IT'SBRANDNEW…)

Chris isn't really sure what's going on, anymore, but he thinks he recognizes the voice that's trying to talk to him. He can't be sure, because his mind is too fuzzy to process the words.

He groans in protest when someone picks him up, trying to fight for just a moment before he takes a deep breath and realizes that he _definitely_ recognizes that particular brand of aftershave.

His right eye is too swollen to open, so he opens the left one before remembering that that eye has recently developed a cataract and is useless. But the hypospray that is pressed to his neck is just as telling as whatever he might have seen could ever be, and he sighs with relief and lets himself relax.

Garbled words, and then, "—only man on Earth who would get kidnapped _after_ he's retired, you damned fool."

'_I love you, too, Leonard_,' he tries to say, but he can't get the words out.

"Hush before you hurt yourself, darlin'." Leonard says, and shaky lips press against Chris's forehead.

"Will he be alright?"

Chris starts a little, not having realized that anyone else was in the room—cell—with them. But that voice is familiar, too. Jim.

"He'll be fine with some good ol' R and R." Leonard says.

"I believe medication will also be required, at the very least." That is Spock.

"You know damn well what I meant, you green-blooded hobgoblin!" Leonard snaps.

Chris feels a small chuckle slip past his lips—feels it quite well, given the pain that follows—but he feels a lot better already than he has in the past few days. After all, he has come to understand after twenty years of marriage that Leonard bitches only when things are going well. It's only when he stops bitching that people need to worry.

Good thing he hasn't stopped bitching.

The End.

_A/N: Lolol, oh, Chris. If only you knew._

_ANYHOW, someone graciously filled a prompt for a friend and I on the st_xi_kink_meme, so I decided to return the favor. ;) Hope you enjoy it, darling!_


End file.
